"Smartmom"--more like DUMBMOM.

For those of you who don't know, which is probably all of you, because who the hell reads the Brooklyn Paper, "Smartmom" is a column... in the Brooklyn Paper. Not even I read the Brooklyn Paper, and I read lots of useless shit. I do get the Smartmom column weekly though--it is delivered to me in my Google reader from Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn.

"Smartmom" is a parenting column, written by a woman who is obviously insecure enough to call herself Smartmom. This isn't an advice column, a la Dear Abby for kids or anything, actually, I'm not really sure what the point of it is. Smartmom writes about her family, friends and kids, who she disguises with "smart" pseudonyms like Teen Spirit, the Oh So Feisty One, and Hepcat. What does Hepcat even mean? Is she saying that her husband is a cat with hepatitis C? Anyway, using these insulting nicknames, Smartmom relates her life to the Brooklyn Paper, probably to provide amusement or at least scenarios that other parents can relate to, as if they don't have enough of their own misery.

Smartmom has been writing this column for a long time--certainly longer than I've been reading it, which has only been a few months, but I have already begun to object to certain aspects of it. Obviously I have a beef with the pseudonyms. As it turns out, the kids themselves have a much more valid one. But before I give something valid, I have to point out the image that these names evoke:

Teen spirit: So you're a "Caribbean cool" scented deodorant from the nineties. You're also lime green. I bet that's what EVERY teenager wants to be! Oh, and you're also obviously a Nirvana reference. I bet that started to wear thin once you grew out of the flannel and All Stars and started to smoke. That's right--Teen Spirit SMOKES. He didn't want the whole world to know about that, but Smartmom had to fuck everything up for her son. So now we think of Teen Spirit as a smoking deodorant.



Now, I can't put in a picture of the Oh So Feisty One, because when I entered that into a Google image search, I came up with actual photographs from the paper, which may have showed the actual girl. And unlike OSFO's bitch mom, I will not violate the girl's privacy by showing her face on this blog. Instead, I will show a Google image result for "feisty."

There. You see what happens? You see what happens Smartmom? When you talk about your children in print, you turn them into two asshole bloggers, I mean, smoking, gun-toting, bandana-wearing feisty fawns. It's got fucking ammunition around it's fucking chest, too. You know what that means, Smartmom? It means that you're throwing fuel on the fire, you are making your bed now lay in it, you are walking like a duck. Your fucking feisty daughter is about to kill a shit ton of stuff.

And then there's Hepcat, but we don't care so much about him because he's a grown man and can take care of himself, or something. But we do think this image speaks for itself:

So Smartmom--I should probably have mentioned already that we have been recently outraged by Smartmom's most recent column, which can be found here--is worried about losing her job, because she only has the ability and (lack of) creativity to write about her children. In these tough economic times we can understand her concern for her employment, especially since her husband is apparently an airport bag man from 1976.

Hepcat, we may loathe your wife, but we sure salute your 'stache. That airport kind of looks like the Sydney opera house. Where is that?


Anyway, let's get back to something valid. The kids are getting older--Teen Spirit is in high school, OSFO has outgrown Build-a-Bear, and they no longer want to be in the paper. Smartmom even revealed this week that they have requested her to stop writing about them. In the paper!!! Clearly Smartmom is not complying with this request.

Now, we think that Teen Spirit and the OSFO's desire to not be in the Brooklyn Paper is entirely reasonable. Smartmom's column, which is read by several, if not DOZENS of people, is a form of public humiliation, which for a teenager would be completely unbearable. Can you imagine if Teen Spirit's FRIENDS saw it? That kid would be on heroin in minutes. Dan says he would be sucking COCK for heroin in minutes. Smartmom has expressed her concern that Teen Spirit may be doing drugs several times, but does she not consider the effect that her own writing may be having on her children?

Also, her decision to ignore her children's request to be left out of her column is selfish and, dare we (and accurately) say, childish. This side of her (does she have another side? Is she a circle?) really came out this week. Instead of explaining this in my own words, I'll let Smartmom speak for herself:

"Dang. There she goes writing about her kids again. How can you be a writer when you have a gag order from your kids about what you can write about?" Hmm. I don't know. I know plenty of writers who don't have to talk about their kids. It's called, um, creativity? Originality? Imagination?

"And yet, as a parent Smartmom must respect their wishes and not compromise their privacy in any way. It’s a tough place for a writer to be." HOW IS THAT A TOUGH PLACE. Seriously, this woman irks Dan and I so much we can't even use question marks. Really, all you have to do is write about something else!

"So what is Smartmom going to write about now? The snow on her window ledge?" Well, it's a start, baby!

"If she can’t write about her kids, she’s a goner."
Selfish.

"She’ll get fired from The Brooklyn Paper."
It's not like it's the Times.

"Her agent won’t want to represent her."
Selfish.

"Nobody will read her blog anymore. She’ll be done for. Finished."
Selfish.

"So what’s a Smartmom to do?"

We'll tell you what to do, Smartmom.
1) Quit exploiting your children.
2) Quit exploiting your children.
3) If you do get fired, you find another way to provide for your family, because that's what a real Smart Parent does, they find a way to provide. It's not fair for your children to be humiliated every week because you're afraid to be taken out of your (one-dimensional) comfort zone.

But apparently Smartmom does not heed us and our wise words of wisdom.

"It her story — and she’s sticking to it."
Hopefully no one else will.

Smartmom, you disgust us. For this, you get this week's Brandon Flowers Award for Douchiness.