Is Brandon Flowers a douche? An Experiment.

Is Brandon Flowers a douche? Well, the answer to that question sure seems obvious. But if there's one thing that the past four years in academia have taught me, it's that the obvious answer is in fact most often the correct one. However, as an academic, it is my sacred academic duty to waste my valuable (who am I kidding) time in examining this question in a thorough, quasi-scientific manner. It is difficult for Dan to even discuss this topic, as he has hated Brandon Flowers since before he even was anyone. (Clearly, Dan has hated him since the embryonic stage.)

But I will force him to. And we will answer this following the Scientific Method.

The Scientific Method!

Question: Is Brandon Flowers a douche?

Background research: Lots of research went into this. We checked Wikipedia AND Dan's brain AND Allison's brain AND this week's interview with Brandon in Time Out New York. Apparently we owe a lot of our creativity to this mediocre magazine.

Anyway, here is what we have discovered:
1) Brandon Flowers is the lead singer for the Killers. Dan says cough The Fucksticks, cough. I don't know what that means, exactly, but the Killers sure do suck. I should know. I used to like them.

2) Brandon Flowers covered Joy Division's epic Shadowplay. They even made a video for it. You can Youtube it if you like, but Dan would advise against it, unless you want Hep. (that's Hepatitis) B on your face.

3) Brandon had the audacity to criticize Thom Yorke's ability to write pop songs. I suppose normally I would shrug this off (lies) and take it with a grain of salt (lies again), but when you criticize someone who wrote little things like Kid A and OK Computer and In Rainbows and The Bends and Amnesiac and Hail to the Thief and I Think You See What We're Saying, and YOUR claim to fame is Mr. Brightside, Jesus.

4) Brandon Flowers was born on June 21, 1981. This means he was born in the Year of the Rooster. This means that he is a Gemini--THE TWINS. Astrology-online.com has this to say about Geminis:

Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???? HE IS A FLACID ROOSTER. HE IS A COCK THAT CAN'T GET HARD. OMG.

5) Brandon Flowers is a mormon. Not a Real Mormon, Mormon with a capital M, but a mormon--he doesn't have the special underwear. Time Out New York proves it. I have yet to meet a mormon who wasn't a total douche.

6) Brandon Flowers won't shut up.

7) Brandon Flowers is a member of the Killers.

Seven facts is enough scientific research, right?

Hypothesis: Brandon Flowers is a douche.

Test hypothesis with an experiment:

Experiment. Observe:

Hmm. Let us compare.

Conclusion: Not a douche.

Now we must return to step three.

New hypothesis: Brandon Flowers is a flaccid penis.

Experiment:

Conclusion: Brandon Flowers is a flaccid penis.